In an instant.....

I have started to write this entry about a thousand times, in my head. And, this is now my second attempt at it in digital format (with about a month in between...) I never know how to start, what to say, or how to even put into words what my life has been like, literally since the day after my last post.

The day of my last post was Wednesday, January 28th. That afternoon, my co-workers threw me a diaper shower since my second baby was a boy and we have everything from Jaxon. I had one week and one day of work left before maternity leave began and my family Sprinkle was scheduled on Sunday, February 9th.

I went home that evening with my heart so full it could nearly burst. I absolutely adore my co-workers- they completely spoiled my son (and me, of course) and I was nearing the end of my time at Davis High (pending Jason earned enough money during my leave, I would not be returning in Fall).

On Thursday, January 29th, I enjoyed the last birthday lunch with my co-workers, another round of training with my sub, a great coffee date with my SIL who was assisting my grandma with Sprinkle decorations and ideas. Life was fabulous and I was flying high. I checked into my appt, Jason was brought in the room and we made sure baby's head was down and measuring on time. All was great. Then my doc tried to measure the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I knew immediately that he was gone, but that didn't stop me from praying harder than I ever have in my life for him to be OK. After it was confirmed by another ultrasound machine and another doctor, I faced my worst nightmare- I was 35 weeks pregnant and I had to deliver a stillborn. My heart shattered.

Jason ran out of the room and called family to handle Jaxon and get support down to us. The next 20 minutes were a total blur. But, the end result was we would check in the hospital the next day and I would be induced. Based on Jaxon's delivery (56 hours of labor, 38 after my water broke and 3 hours of pushing to produce my 8lbs 11ozs and 21" long baby boy) we assumed that this would be a long process, as well, considering my body wasn't ready and our baby couldn't assist.

That night, our family rallied around us. That meant the world to me- to have the people I loved and the people that loved me crying and laughing and just being family there to support us in our devastation. And, in reality, it made me see how sad they were for their loss. We all lost family that night.

I will have to tell this story in pieces. It is too much for me to write in one post. There is so much, so many details, so many facets to this part of my life- my new life -that is still unfolding...

So, stay tuned....I will explain more of my journey and my loss as my heart can handle it...