Finding Balance

I need to get back to writing. I love writing. I enjoy writing and I use it as my therapy. While I am really in therapy over the loss of my son, writing is still a tool that is so useful in my journey of healing. I HAVE to get back to it and stay focused.

And, that is what this post is about- finding balance in my new life.

I am officially a stay at home mom. I have Jaxon home with me full time two week days per week and, of course weekends. He goes to daycare 3 days per week, around 4-6 hours per day- just to get a little socialization and "outside" time. We have mornings together and I take him around 11ish and pick him up at 445 or so. As soon as he is potty trained we are switching to actual preschool where he will be at school from 830-1130am 2 or 3 days per week, depending on the school.

So, I am trying to find balance right now. I am back to school, also. I want my degree, desperately. It is on my bucket list, so I am trying to work hard and earn it!

I am taking 2 classes for summer. Accounting and Geography. Accounting is engaging and interesting and I am full throttle with an accounting project for my grandparents, so this class really helps! Geography sucks, but is a requirement. Oh well. I love learning, so I am intrigued by both- but I thought the geography class was going to be more about the regions and mapping and currently its about how the world "came about". Not exactly what I thought, but ---I am learning!

I need to find a balance that suits me and I am just not there yet. I know I will get there soon, but in the meantime, it's difficult!

I also feel like I should be earning an income. Technically, I am still employed because I havent resigned, but in all honesty, I am done and not going back, so I am no longer employed and find that feeling super weird. I have been employed almost constantly since I turned 16. So, more than half my life!

With my current to-do list and my wish list, my plate is full. Working isn't a necessity at this time with our living arrangement and Jason is doing fabulously at work, so I really do need to chill out, focus on school and get my degree. I also want to get my real estate license. Jason and I really want to flip houses. We love the remodeling and demo aspect of the flips - we are remodeling our house too. Bit by bit as the funds, time and everything else needed becomes available.

I have found some great tools in helping me stay focused and helping me find the balance in my house. I just printed them (for free!), so I am hoping to give an update in a month or two of house my progress is.

And yes, I will finish my story of the loss of our son. But, really, that will take some time.

xoxo- Lady Lewy

In an instant.....

I have started to write this entry about a thousand times, in my head. And, this is now my second attempt at it in digital format (with about a month in between...) I never know how to start, what to say, or how to even put into words what my life has been like, literally since the day after my last post.

The day of my last post was Wednesday, January 28th. That afternoon, my co-workers threw me a diaper shower since my second baby was a boy and we have everything from Jaxon. I had one week and one day of work left before maternity leave began and my family Sprinkle was scheduled on Sunday, February 9th.

I went home that evening with my heart so full it could nearly burst. I absolutely adore my co-workers- they completely spoiled my son (and me, of course) and I was nearing the end of my time at Davis High (pending Jason earned enough money during my leave, I would not be returning in Fall).

On Thursday, January 29th, I enjoyed the last birthday lunch with my co-workers, another round of training with my sub, a great coffee date with my SIL who was assisting my grandma with Sprinkle decorations and ideas. Life was fabulous and I was flying high. I checked into my appt, Jason was brought in the room and we made sure baby's head was down and measuring on time. All was great. Then my doc tried to measure the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I knew immediately that he was gone, but that didn't stop me from praying harder than I ever have in my life for him to be OK. After it was confirmed by another ultrasound machine and another doctor, I faced my worst nightmare- I was 35 weeks pregnant and I had to deliver a stillborn. My heart shattered.

Jason ran out of the room and called family to handle Jaxon and get support down to us. The next 20 minutes were a total blur. But, the end result was we would check in the hospital the next day and I would be induced. Based on Jaxon's delivery (56 hours of labor, 38 after my water broke and 3 hours of pushing to produce my 8lbs 11ozs and 21" long baby boy) we assumed that this would be a long process, as well, considering my body wasn't ready and our baby couldn't assist.

That night, our family rallied around us. That meant the world to me- to have the people I loved and the people that loved me crying and laughing and just being family there to support us in our devastation. And, in reality, it made me see how sad they were for their loss. We all lost family that night.

I will have to tell this story in pieces. It is too much for me to write in one post. There is so much, so many details, so many facets to this part of my life- my new life -that is still unfolding...

So, stay tuned....I will explain more of my journey and my loss as my heart can handle it...

It's almost time...big updates of 3rd Tri progress

The end is in site, in more ways than one! And I am ready to embrace all the change that is coming my way.

Work…including today, I have 8 more work days before Maternity Leave begins. To say I am counting the minutes is probably an understatement! I love my job, love my co-workers, but I am in desperate need of a break from the crazy- and am fully aware that I am embarking on a trip to a different kind of crazy ;). This year has seemed more whack-a-doo than previous years, but maybe that is just my burdened patience? My awesome co-workers are throwing me a Sprinkle today, which is beyond sweet and I am just excited for the time with my people before I leave for an undetermined amount of time. I love these people- I spend a ton of time with these people and they are a great group of supporters and friends. 

At the current moment, Jason and I have not determined a return date to work- or if there will be one. We are taking things month by month over the next several. I already have July off as a standard, so that will be a pivotal time for me to determine what my Fall will look like. I am hopeful that I can continue my leave for the duration of the calendar year, though all I have guaranteed at this time is the rest of the academic year.

Home…we are in the final stretch of construction! The room is almost ready to paint, needs HVAC installed and the electrical completed (after paint) and then carpet goes down next week! I am thrilled! It seems like my first maternity leave project will be setting up our room and cleaning out our old room to convert to the nursery. My only major goal before baby arrives is getting the bassinet out of storage, cleaned and beside my bed ready for BB2. Beyond that- everything else can really come in due time.

Baby…I am 35 weeks today. I have my last ultrasound on tomorrow to check baby’s position, size and make sure everything is all good for delivery. I am far enough along that if I were to go into labor right now, they would not stop it. That is terrifying, yet thrilling! Such a bizarre combination of emotions to experience simultaneously, but I think a feeling you begin to embrace as a parent. I believe every aspect of parenthood can be both thrilling and terrifying, but without question, I would say the most rewarding adventure I have ever been a part of. My children are my entire world, even when in the throes of Jaxon’s 4^th temper tantrum of the day, he  is just an amazing little person to me and I cannot wait for him to meet with little brother!  And he seems excited for his brother to arrive (as much as he can possibly understand at his age), and that makes my heart full.

BB2- our lovely nickname for our son who has yet to be named. It is so bizarre to me- we are weeks away from his birth and have NO clue what his name will be! Jaxon was named at 16 weeks! We picked names for both a boy and girl right away, then once we learned of his 'boyness', we wavered on actually sticking to the boy name! So, nothing. We have a few options, but nothing that we agree on. I fully expect that he will be named upon our first meeting, and not before. I am OK with that.

Sprinkle….it’s almost here and I am so excited!! My family is throwing me a mini shower to celebrate baby and I am so blessed and excited for it! I had decided early on, once we learned it was another boy, that I would not have a second shower- really no need. We have nearly everything from Jaxon and basically only needed consumable items.  But along the way,  between several friends and family members asking every so often when we were having a shower, I finally decided- hey, why not?? Every baby should be celebrated! So thankful each of them wouldn't take my ‘no’ for an answer. ;) My SiL is helping with decorations and I am excited to have her be a part of the planning process {Thank you, Victoria!!<3} with my mom, grandma and sister.

I will try to post another update after I am done with work and have some more progress with everything to share.  After that, I suspect my posts may be very few and far between until I can get a handle on my new life!

XoXo- Ladylewy