Finding Balance

I need to get back to writing. I love writing. I enjoy writing and I use it as my therapy. While I am really in therapy over the loss of my son, writing is still a tool that is so useful in my journey of healing. I HAVE to get back to it and stay focused.

And, that is what this post is about- finding balance in my new life.

I am officially a stay at home mom. I have Jaxon home with me full time two week days per week and, of course weekends. He goes to daycare 3 days per week, around 4-6 hours per day- just to get a little socialization and "outside" time. We have mornings together and I take him around 11ish and pick him up at 445 or so. As soon as he is potty trained we are switching to actual preschool where he will be at school from 830-1130am 2 or 3 days per week, depending on the school.

So, I am trying to find balance right now. I am back to school, also. I want my degree, desperately. It is on my bucket list, so I am trying to work hard and earn it!

I am taking 2 classes for summer. Accounting and Geography. Accounting is engaging and interesting and I am full throttle with an accounting project for my grandparents, so this class really helps! Geography sucks, but is a requirement. Oh well. I love learning, so I am intrigued by both- but I thought the geography class was going to be more about the regions and mapping and currently its about how the world "came about". Not exactly what I thought, but ---I am learning!

I need to find a balance that suits me and I am just not there yet. I know I will get there soon, but in the meantime, it's difficult!

I also feel like I should be earning an income. Technically, I am still employed because I havent resigned, but in all honesty, I am done and not going back, so I am no longer employed and find that feeling super weird. I have been employed almost constantly since I turned 16. So, more than half my life!

With my current to-do list and my wish list, my plate is full. Working isn't a necessity at this time with our living arrangement and Jason is doing fabulously at work, so I really do need to chill out, focus on school and get my degree. I also want to get my real estate license. Jason and I really want to flip houses. We love the remodeling and demo aspect of the flips - we are remodeling our house too. Bit by bit as the funds, time and everything else needed becomes available.

I have found some great tools in helping me stay focused and helping me find the balance in my house. I just printed them (for free!), so I am hoping to give an update in a month or two of house my progress is.

And yes, I will finish my story of the loss of our son. But, really, that will take some time.

xoxo- Lady Lewy

In an instant.....

I have started to write this entry about a thousand times, in my head. And, this is now my second attempt at it in digital format (with about a month in between...) I never know how to start, what to say, or how to even put into words what my life has been like, literally since the day after my last post.

The day of my last post was Wednesday, January 28th. That afternoon, my co-workers threw me a diaper shower since my second baby was a boy and we have everything from Jaxon. I had one week and one day of work left before maternity leave began and my family Sprinkle was scheduled on Sunday, February 9th.

I went home that evening with my heart so full it could nearly burst. I absolutely adore my co-workers- they completely spoiled my son (and me, of course) and I was nearing the end of my time at Davis High (pending Jason earned enough money during my leave, I would not be returning in Fall).

On Thursday, January 29th, I enjoyed the last birthday lunch with my co-workers, another round of training with my sub, a great coffee date with my SIL who was assisting my grandma with Sprinkle decorations and ideas. Life was fabulous and I was flying high. I checked into my appt, Jason was brought in the room and we made sure baby's head was down and measuring on time. All was great. Then my doc tried to measure the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I knew immediately that he was gone, but that didn't stop me from praying harder than I ever have in my life for him to be OK. After it was confirmed by another ultrasound machine and another doctor, I faced my worst nightmare- I was 35 weeks pregnant and I had to deliver a stillborn. My heart shattered.

Jason ran out of the room and called family to handle Jaxon and get support down to us. The next 20 minutes were a total blur. But, the end result was we would check in the hospital the next day and I would be induced. Based on Jaxon's delivery (56 hours of labor, 38 after my water broke and 3 hours of pushing to produce my 8lbs 11ozs and 21" long baby boy) we assumed that this would be a long process, as well, considering my body wasn't ready and our baby couldn't assist.

That night, our family rallied around us. That meant the world to me- to have the people I loved and the people that loved me crying and laughing and just being family there to support us in our devastation. And, in reality, it made me see how sad they were for their loss. We all lost family that night.

I will have to tell this story in pieces. It is too much for me to write in one post. There is so much, so many details, so many facets to this part of my life- my new life -that is still unfolding...

So, stay tuned....I will explain more of my journey and my loss as my heart can handle it...

It's almost time...big updates of 3rd Tri progress

The end is in site, in more ways than one! And I am ready to embrace all the change that is coming my way.

Work…including today, I have 8 more work days before Maternity Leave begins. To say I am counting the minutes is probably an understatement! I love my job, love my co-workers, but I am in desperate need of a break from the crazy- and am fully aware that I am embarking on a trip to a different kind of crazy ;). This year has seemed more whack-a-doo than previous years, but maybe that is just my burdened patience? My awesome co-workers are throwing me a Sprinkle today, which is beyond sweet and I am just excited for the time with my people before I leave for an undetermined amount of time. I love these people- I spend a ton of time with these people and they are a great group of supporters and friends. 

At the current moment, Jason and I have not determined a return date to work- or if there will be one. We are taking things month by month over the next several. I already have July off as a standard, so that will be a pivotal time for me to determine what my Fall will look like. I am hopeful that I can continue my leave for the duration of the calendar year, though all I have guaranteed at this time is the rest of the academic year.

Home…we are in the final stretch of construction! The room is almost ready to paint, needs HVAC installed and the electrical completed (after paint) and then carpet goes down next week! I am thrilled! It seems like my first maternity leave project will be setting up our room and cleaning out our old room to convert to the nursery. My only major goal before baby arrives is getting the bassinet out of storage, cleaned and beside my bed ready for BB2. Beyond that- everything else can really come in due time.

Baby…I am 35 weeks today. I have my last ultrasound on tomorrow to check baby’s position, size and make sure everything is all good for delivery. I am far enough along that if I were to go into labor right now, they would not stop it. That is terrifying, yet thrilling! Such a bizarre combination of emotions to experience simultaneously, but I think a feeling you begin to embrace as a parent. I believe every aspect of parenthood can be both thrilling and terrifying, but without question, I would say the most rewarding adventure I have ever been a part of. My children are my entire world, even when in the throes of Jaxon’s 4^th temper tantrum of the day, he  is just an amazing little person to me and I cannot wait for him to meet with little brother!  And he seems excited for his brother to arrive (as much as he can possibly understand at his age), and that makes my heart full.

BB2- our lovely nickname for our son who has yet to be named. It is so bizarre to me- we are weeks away from his birth and have NO clue what his name will be! Jaxon was named at 16 weeks! We picked names for both a boy and girl right away, then once we learned of his 'boyness', we wavered on actually sticking to the boy name! So, nothing. We have a few options, but nothing that we agree on. I fully expect that he will be named upon our first meeting, and not before. I am OK with that.

Sprinkle….it’s almost here and I am so excited!! My family is throwing me a mini shower to celebrate baby and I am so blessed and excited for it! I had decided early on, once we learned it was another boy, that I would not have a second shower- really no need. We have nearly everything from Jaxon and basically only needed consumable items.  But along the way,  between several friends and family members asking every so often when we were having a shower, I finally decided- hey, why not?? Every baby should be celebrated! So thankful each of them wouldn't take my ‘no’ for an answer. ;) My SiL is helping with decorations and I am excited to have her be a part of the planning process {Thank you, Victoria!!<3} with my mom, grandma and sister.

I will try to post another update after I am done with work and have some more progress with everything to share.  After that, I suspect my posts may be very few and far between until I can get a handle on my new life!

XoXo- Ladylewy

Tis the season...DIY and gift giving

‘Tis the season for giving and I absolutely love giving gifts and love, even more, when I can channel what little creativity I may have into a homemade gift!  

This year I decided since we are shaving our budget down a bit, we would opt for some DIY gifts when appropriate. Grandma and Grandpa’s are definitely a good place to put that energy toward- they really appreciate the thought behind the gifts, especially when they center around their grandchildren.

I have almost all of my Christmas shopping done and most of the supplies ready to do the DIY projects that I have chosen. I won’t give away all the details because, obviously, Christmas hasn’t arrived and most of the recipients have not yet received their gifts.

But, I can share that one of my projects (that I chose to just do) is not for Christmas. I have several loved ones who suffer from Fibromyalgia including my mom, grandma and my MiL, Carol. I wanted to try this cream that I have been seeing constantly on Pinterest. I have all of the essential oils needed to make it, but I needed Coconut oil and a jar. It was slightly messy, but fairly easy to whip out this past weekend. I needed to alter the jar used, which I did (for easier access) and then I gave the first batch to Carol for her birthday last night. I also have my mom hers and I am going to give my grandma hers this weekend after I can make another batch. I am praying that it works! I would be so thrilled if they got even a little relief! I made a smaller batch for them and asked them all to try it and if it worked and they wanted more, I would make a big batch!

I also needed to give something to my sons’ daycare teacher. I wanted something on the inexpensive but heartfelt side, so I also made her homemade peppermint foot scrub with sugar and coconut oil blended with a few drops of peppermint oil and some red food coloring for the “peppermint look”. It’s cute and was very easy! I went and bought a couple more fun items and am putting together a “pampering” basket for her. I added some nail polish, lotion, fuzzy socks, a mini pedicure set and a candle. I also added some chocolates for her, her kids and an extra pair of socks for her teenage daughter who helps her with the kids a lot. I thought maybe they could do it together.

I have a few other DIY projects for family members that I have to work on this weekend.

On a separate note, we gave my Papa a new drill set this weekend as a “Thank you” for building our room. He wasn’t happy that we spent money on him, but I didn’t care! It was a good set, something he needed and hadn’t purchased for himself yet (he always purchases what he wants before anyone can), something that will help him finish the room more quickly and I felt good getting him a good gift! Plus, we got a really good deal on it- which makes it ever better!

I am hoping to get a few pics of the end results for each of these DIY gifts…and I am really hoping to get them done this weekend so they can be wrapped and ready to go!

Wish me luck! My 3^rd trimester begins tomorrow and my energy is fleeting…

As usual, I continually add items to my Stress List rather than allowing the completed items to fall off and the list get smaller. The list IS getting smaller, but not as quickly as I would appreciate since I keep adding items as I remember them…such as life for the pregnant mind.

XOXO- Ladylewy

December check-in and last 2nd Trimester update!

Trimester 3 is on the horizon, so time for a quick update on my pregnancy with baby #2.

I am officially 27 weeks pregnant. Which means, this time next week, I will be in my 3^rd trimester! I have reached a milestone; if something happened and I had to deliver tomorrow, baby would have to stay in NICU for a bit, but should survive! That is a big deal to me!

Due to a horrific craving of carbs and my extreme lack of energy, I have gained more weight this time around than I wanted to. I haven't gained too much, but I did set a limit for myself and I have nearly reached that, with 13 weeks to go...oh well!

Weirdly enough, I fit comfortably in my clothes (pants size 8) until week 16, only using the “rubber band trick” on occasion, before purchasing the belly band for comfort. And, it wasn't until closer to week 23 that maternity jeans became a necessity most days. 

I have yoga pants, textured leggings, cotton pants and linen pants added to my current wardrobe, in addition to the jeans, but I only own 2 maternity shirts. I wear tank tops and t-shirts or sweaters most days. They are not stretching out yet, they "fit", they are just shorter on my torso than they used to be.  I feel bigger than I was with Jaxon at this time, but I am not. I am almost the same, and with my second baby, so I am feeling pretty good about that! Honestly, I am not even too upset about inching toward my limit, it was just an arbitrary number and I am healthy and so is baby and nothing beyond that matters. Plus, the weight will come off after baby arrives...

We are headed into the homestretch! I have a little over 2 weeks at work before we’re closed for Christmas vacation and I won’t return until Monday, January 5^th.  That will mark between 5-6 weeks left of work before maternity leave (depending on how I am doing  and what doc says)! I still consider my due date to be March 7^th, which means, February 6^th could be my last day at work. Although, I currently have plans to stay through February 13th, but we will see...

I hope to have a post about the construction of our new room in the garage soon. Papa is building it and it looks like some decent progress is being made and we are on par for being done by the end of the month! I sure hope so! I would like to be moved in and settled before heading back to work in January. Then I can focus on the nursery....

Stay tuned for more updates!

XOXO, Ladylewy

Baby #2 is a.....

Hey, it's been a while. Life is a little crazy being pregnant with a very active toddler running around! So, here is a quick little update...

October 15^th was the big day. Jason and I had a mid-afternoon appointment to confirm our baby was in deed healthy (thank you, God!) and see if we could find out the sex. It is not secret, since we were told baby was healthy at the 12 week Nuchal Translucency scan, we were hoping for a girl. We would then have one of each and be able to call our family "complete", if we chose to.

About 10 minutes into the scan as the doctor is moving the wand, with warm jelly (yay!) over my belly and baby is flippin’ and kickin’ around in there, she asks if we want to know the “gender”.  Yes, we wanted to know the sex of our baby. She immediately says ‘BOY’. I say ”are you sure?” – lol. She is very sure and over the course of the next 20-30 minutes, proceeds to show me at multiple angles, that he is in fact, a boy.

Admittedly, I was disappointed for about 10-20 seconds. I wanted a girl and because this pregnancy was polar opposite of Jaxon and the 20 weeks I carried Mason, I was sure this was a girl. I also feel that pregnancy doesn’t really agree with my body (I am having less trouble with this baby than I did with Jaxon because I was 20lbs lighter when I got pregnant this time than last). I have always dreamed of having a little girl. But, I absolutely LOVE my son and the minute I started thinking of all the adorable clothes that I had packed away because Jaxon grew out of them so quickly, my excitement bubbled over. 

Now, I am over the moon thrilled that Jaxon is going to have a little brother! I cannot wait for the two of them to be best buds and for Jaxon to have a playmate in the family. Jaxon really doesn't have a solid playmate at this point because his cousins are girls. Even though my S and BIL just had a boy recently, he is many, many months away from being able to play with the older kids and then the age different may be too much. I am also very aware that Jaxon won’t be able to play with his brother until he is closer to a year old, too. But, still, a built in friend. I just cannot fathom anything more amazing.

What does that mean for another baby down the road? Who knows. Let's take this one day at time, is what I think! At this moment, I am completely content being a mom to boys. If we decide down the road to try for a 3^rd baby, then we will see what God graces us with then. Who knows, maybe that will be a boy too! All that matters to me, is to have healthy babies. End of story.

Thankfully, this boy, who has yet to be named, is healthy and has a wealth of friends and family waiting for his arrival. March cannot come soon enough!!

Adventures in Potty Training

Exciting times in the Lewy land….  

Project Potty Training is about to commence!

My mom got an adorable Cars potty chair for Jaxon for Christmas. We knew at 18 months it was too soon to introduce the idea of potty training, especially to a boy. So, we just let him use the chair as a toy for a few months before moving it to the bathroom and showing him the intended purpose. It has a lid that closes so it can double as a stool. Perfect for a 3’ kid who loves to play in water. It has a button that you can “flush” after doing your business. It is a “vroom” sound like a racetrack.  So fun!

About a month or so ago, I bought Jaxon training pants – really thick underwear. I just put them in his room and didn’t make a big deal about them. Jaxon has been very aware of when he is “going to the bathroom” and lets us know. Weirdly though, lately, he doesn’t want us to change him. I am not exactly sure what that is about, honestly, I wonder if he is sick of sitting still for the diaper changes!

Last night, Jaxon was in the tub and mentioned he had to go potty. Normally, he just stands up and pees. But, he told me this time. I asked if he wanted to use the potty and he said “yes”! I helped him out, put his chair in front of the toilet for him to climb up and helped him steady himself on the toilet. He was a tad nervous, then relaxed a bit and peed! It was only a dribble- but the look of excitement that washed over his face… one of the most incredible moments I have ever witnessed as a mother (yet, of course). He was SO proud of himself. I don’t think he could have been more than me, though!! He started calling for him grandma and when she came him he yelled “I peed in the potty!!” What an incredible moment!

We called daddy at work right away and told him the news, too. Pure excitement! Amazing!

I had purchased chocolate coins a few weeks ago that look like “gold debloons” from Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I went in and grabbed one and explained that because he did so great with peeing in the potty that I had a surprise for him. Another beautiful look of awe washed across his face when I handed him the coin. These are the moments in parenting that make everything worth it!!

This weekend we are going to go get him a special potty insert (he will pick it out) and a container (treasure chest) for his trinkets and gold coins for going potty. Once he is trained and no longer in diapers, we’ll trade in his treasure chest in for a prize.

This is a big project to undertake, but so very important. I hope to have him potty trained by Christmas. I am thrilled at the idea of having one child out of diapers before the next arrives! Even if only for a few months- that is so worth it!

Yay Jaxon!!

Xoxo- LadyLewy